Revive me

Dying to be heard

in a world that doesn’t want to hear a word

of what’s been survived

behind and outside of these eyes.

 

Considered weak, pathetic dramatic wild

cast aside avoided, ignored and denied

you know why don’t you?

 

It’s taboo

to let people in on the truth of you.

 

To admit there’s a darkness

eating you, a silent killer inside of you

it creeps that way

as you wrestle your own shadow

to the ground.

 

Claw at the air for signs of life

clutch at straws for hope

stare, through the reflection in your mirror

trying to remember

your last genuine smile

in a world that is blind

to your mind.

 

Revive me

 

Writers Block OR Recharging Creative Battery

Sometimes we need a little time to creatively reset. I’ve got writer’s block currently but this is the case because I have little more to write about than my daily experiences at the moment and my daily routine has changed considerably over the last month. You see I struggle with my weight because I struggle with severe anxiety which has meant for a long time I’ve been very reclusive and staying indoors, turning to food for comfort and not burning off the calories I’m putting in. Consequently, I now need to lose about 60 lbs to return myself to a healthy weight and physical state.

The good news is I’ve had a care worker helping me to get out and about more for the past year and now I’m able to face the world with a lot more confidence. I can go out again on my own and I do, now, venture out purely for exercise. Nothing too strenuous just walking but up to about 10 miles a day in short bursts. This doesn’t leave much time for reflection on daily events or current affairs. However, it’s making me feel more energised in other ways and making me feel better about myself for finally tackling the damage that has been caused by my anxiety and reclusive habits.

I’ve overhauled my food intake and it’s much healthier and in smaller portions, but without starving myself. I’ve struggled with my weight before, it fluctuates at the best of times but I’ve been too skinny before and I know that’s not healthy either. My days then, are taken up with noting what I eat, calorie counting and walking, and on rainy days doing step aerobics indoors. All of this is a big change for me especially as my anxiety is also part of being Bipolar and depression can make you very tired and lethargic. It’s hard to get motivated, find the energy, or feel positive about making this sort of effort as you can tend to feel like a hopeless case and believe only the worst of things. Mania, on the other hand, can make you lively, dangerously impulsive and clumsy but generally end up with you burning out and sliding back into depression.

The good thing is that I’ve confronted my negative thoughts and my mirror and said to myself enough is enough. I’ve pushed myself through the lethargy and pushed myself through the anxiety, pushed myself through the feelings of failure and self-hate and I can honestly say the initial struggle was worth it. I still have to make a conscious effort to go out and walk or stay in and exercise, but I have more energy through doing those things than I imagined I’d ever have again. I’m steadily losing lbs and things are starting to head in the right direction. I feel better inside and out but I do not underestimate the effort I’ve put in to start moving again. Depression is a very serious illness and struggle, Anxiety can be life stopping, I also have PCOS which causes fatigue and puts me at higher risk of getting diabetes type II, underactive thyroid which does the same in the fatigue department. So several reasons why energy as much as motivation to go out has been lacking for so long. I think it’s true what they say about endorphins mind. You do get a sense of a natural high after a bit of regular exercise and you do get pretty hooked on the good vibe and energy that gives you after a while.

I don’t see myself as a jogger or a runner in the future as I have an old ankle injury from a bad break back in 2010 that still plays up and I wouldn’t want to over aggravate it. I can always increase my walks and/or look at other forms of exercise like swimming or gym activites.

I was getting to the point where if I didn’t get moving my joints would seize up and my ability to walk would leave me. My weight would become a major health concern.

So, in a nutshell, I’m busy trying to get myself back together in health and spirit and weight. I could write endless poems about that but it’d get boring and I don’t want to go over old ground and repeat myself. I write when I’m inspired to write. There’s no use forcing it. So bear with me while I have a recharge and I’ll write more poems when inspiration grabs me. You can’t look after your creative message unless you look after yourself. I’m doing this for me now. Nobody else. Despite all the cruel things people say and the way, they judge and body shame you when you’re either too skinny or too overweight. I am doing this because I personally want to feel better both inside and outside. It seems to be working and it will be a long time before I reach my goal, but all the pushing through the barriers of my mental and physical health problems seems to be paying off. It’s made a massive change and given me hope for the future again.

 

 

 

 

 

General Thoughts on Creativity (Not a poem)

In anything artistic, be it literature, music, art, crafts, photography, acting, dancing, singing…you need to grow a thick skin because critics are everywhere, buyers are sometimes few, while admirers are many, and the personal cost to your confidence and your pocket is always high.

Even if you’re proven successful after years of trial, error, effort and paying the cost of building your skills and collections of work…there will always be some people who don’t like what you do and some that do.

Please remember the praise you receive is real and justified, don’t think because other people may think differently to that, that praise is any less valid than criticism.

We’re all wanting reassurance we’re on the right path, sure we are,  but when we get knock backs we need to just push forward harder and with more determination and rise above the naysayers. Otherwise, we self-destruct and that’s not right is it?

I’ve been a slow learner myself with these facts but I have had less heartbreak since I started to value my own worth more than the opinions of others. Yes, I am happy to hear what people think but I’m less likely to take it so deeply to heart these days that I feel like giving up. Some people can be cruel and far from constructive; to me, these people are welcome to their opinions but their opinions are not worth my time and misery.

Creative minds need to believe in what they do. They need to remain passionate about what they do. They need to hold onto the enjoyment in what they do. So sometimes what creative minds need to do is filter the incoming criticism with as harsh an approach as the criticism is given. To learn to ignore people who are being plain cruel. Learn to accept compliments as genuine encouragement in a positive direction, learn to listen to the voice of reason and constructive critique and yet apply only what rings true to you and keeps your creativity authentic. Most of all stay true to yourself, give yourself a break, we can be our own harshest critics, and above and beyond anyone else we punish ourselves the worst. So be kind to yourself. Believe in yourself, allow yourself to grow and flourish at your own pace in your own style in your own way. Remember it’s ok, to be different!

Throughout history, the greatest creative minds have been truly original, they’ve deviated from the norm. They’ve had their own voice their own style, their own dress sense, their own ways of expressing themselves. They’ve often faced criticism for not fitting into the boxes society had readily made for them. They were often misunderstood. Underestimated. Or bypassed in their time because they were ahead of their time or even created things completely timeless so they didn’t fit with fashion but they did eventually fit with the human soul and understanding and became posthumously famous on account of it.

Support your fellow creative minds while they are alive. That’s when things really matter. If you believe in someone’s creative output and believe in that person’s ability to shine. Tell them so. If you are the creative mind and you believe in yourself give yourself credit where it’s due. Never look down on yourself. Your calling to create is a precious gift. You are drawn to it and you work hard at it for a reason…it’s part of who you are.